Online Dating: The Profile Creation

  Enter the wondrous creation of an online dating profile. It begins. Now I'm serious about it. Despite hesitation I'm going forward with this plan. OH GOD.

   I have chosen Okcupid.com as my venue of choice. This is my reasoning for picking Okcupid over other reputable sites, such as Match.com:

1) It is free. 

  Yeah, that's it. I'm not looking to get married, I'm not even looking to fall in love at this point. If I was investing in a spouse, I'd put some money into it. Also, Richsingles.com seemed a little sketchy when I checked it out, and I didn't feel God calling me enough try out Christianmingle. 

   CREATING OF THE PROFILE:

   First, obviously, I added my highest-quality photos. Photos where I look happy, dynamic, quirky, maybe well-traveled. Thoughtful, pleasant. Thin.

  I am none of these things, but with the right tilt to my head and by not posting any photos of myself without make-up, I can disguise that fact. Also when possible I try and crop out whatever drink I've got in my hand at the time. 

   Choosing a body type? Good Lord. If I put anything but "athletic" everyone's going to immediately assume I'm fat as a hog and the camera simply couldn't take in the sheer mass of my body for my profile pic. I settled with "curvy," because I'm as athletic as a couch, but I'm stacked top and bottom like a fine-dining hamburger. With extra bacon. 

1) Self Summary: 

   Obligatory, gee, dating is tough statement. Suggestion that I'm open to meeting new people and making friends. Statement regarding what I would be looking for in a man ("I'm looking for someone who is genuine, comfortable with themselves, funny, a little spontaneous, kind, well-spoken, and thoughtful, who loves animals and camping and cooking, going out and staying in...). 

   Basic traits I think most women would appreciate in a relationship--although to be fair, maybe not everyone like boys who camp. But if you are looking for someone who is insecure, rude, and hates animals, then you should probably get off the dating sites and get into therapy.

 Statement about who I am and what I am like... the temptation to point out that I am basically perfection personified is strong, but instead I spin some of my flaws as quirks so I sound both self-deprecating and charmingly self-aware. 

2) What I'm doing with my life.

   Holy fuck, how do I spin "absolutely not a damn thing?" I spend my existence wondering when I can next eat or take a nap. Okay, here we go: I'll add the nap thing, but I'll make it sound like I'm just really busy and always napping from exhaustion not because my bed is just abnormally comfortable and I'd rather be asleep than face my every-day responsibilities.

3) I'm really good at:

   I got this shit. Cooking. Thereby any man who didn't rate my pictures as high as I would like will give me bonus points because I can feed them and bring them beer. I'd put something sexual but I think that might attract the wrong crowd, and also, if you re-read my above comments about how much I love to nap, expert sexual prowess might be an exaggeration. 

4) The first thing people notice about me:

   I don't know. What kind of people are we talking about? Because it's a safe bet guys I meet first notice my boobs. Can I put that? I feel like it's kind of implied in "curvy." If I write something about my gorgeous green eyes or winning smile I'll just come off as egotistical; they can figure that out later. Screw it, it's a filler question anyway. 

5) Favorite Books, movies, TV shows, food.

   Honest answers, leaning toward the more intelligent options, to weed out the dumbasses. Yes, I like raunch comedies from time to time, and I'll pick up a bodice-ripper now and then, but so help me I would judge you for listing it, so I'll stick with the high-brow stuff. 

6) The 6 things I could never do without:

   Carmex, my best friend, my pets, sleep, wine, and texting. Child's play, yo. Pure honesty too.

7) I spend a lot of time thinking about:

   Facebook? Food? Drinking? Wait, when was the last time I showered? Do I smell yet or can I make it another day? Maybe one day I could meet Oprah. I want Oreos. Do I need milk? I'll bet I'd be a really good farmer. 

8) On a typical Friday night, I am: 

   "Wearing my fat pants and ordering food from the Chinese delivery guy that knows me by name" probably doesn't sound very fun and dynamic. Okay, I can do this. I have hobbies, right? I have friends. I'm going to say "I basically either want to be drunk or as stationary as possible" but word it a little more appealingly. I like to go out, I like to stay in... Gee, notice how fun and adaptable I am? And dynamic. 

9) I'm looking for: 

   Here's my chance to cover my ass and be honest. I'm not doing this to hurt people, to string anyone along. I am not looking for anything serious. I want to meet new people, try new things, get out now and then... Does "try new things" sound like a sexual innuendo? Whatever, I'm leaving it. Might do me some unintentional good. Anyone who cries on my shoulder about how they thought I was the wife they've been searching for can be referred back to this section while I book it out the door.

10) You should message me if: 

   Reiteration that I'm just looking for some hangs... 

   Also a gentle recommendation that basic spelling and grammar concepts, if not mastered, should at least be applied whenever possible.

   A suggestion that has, to date, been almost entirely ignored, but I can delve in that later when I start talking about the guy pretending to be a horse.

Profile, complete.