Friday, November 30, 2012

Updates: The Cop-Out.

Due to the unfortunate circumstances of working three jobs and trying to finish the final stretch of college before graduation, this blog has gone sorely neglected, and for that, I apologize.

I have received multiple requests for an update, and while my insides go all warm and fuzzy that people are not only actually reading about my mundane dating experiences, they're interested in hearing more about them, the lack of time/motivation to date is putting a cramp on this social experiment and I worry I can't deliver you anything of quality at the moment.

As usual, I have lost momentum with a project. It's like the time I decided I was a vegan until I realized vegans don't eat steak even occasionally.

Today I arranged two dates, but after looking over my schedule for the upcoming days and realizing today is one of the only chances I have to really devote myself to not showering or putting on real clothes, I am re-scheduling.

The first, a nice guy I will just call Skinny Guy, who works at a bank and has been sweetly vanilla in both conversation and appearance the entire time we've talked, has also sweetly agreed to meet me tomorrow for a beer, rather than tonight.

The second date was arranged with Good Personality Guy, who I think I have to rename to Probably Gay. I was actually looking forward to meeting Probably Gay Guy again. He invited me to see "Anna Karenina" this evening, which suits me perfectly. Yet again, Probably Gay Guy knows exactly how to plan a perfect MeMe rendezvous.

I had even planned to pack my purse with tissues for two, and maybe some sugar-free hard candies or unbuttered air-popped popcorn in a baggie. I figure he'd splurge for Diet Cokes. We could giggle over Jude Law together. That sounds like a nice evening to MeMe.

While I'm looking forward to hanging out with PGG again, I'm beginning to wonder at what point it will get weird. I may envision a future of shoe shopping and ballets together, but if he is not actually gay (hrm...), then he's probably picturing something more like making out and some light groping. At the ballet.

PGG was, like SG, super sweet about me flaking out. He reminded me I just need to take care of myself and that he will be there when I have some free time. Can I just make the College Humor video into a fact and marry this guy?

Until I have more exciting news for my darling readers, I can only give you a few fun anecdotes, and updates on the contenders.

After going out with 60's Band Hair Guy, and Good Personality Guy who is probably gay, both sent me follow-up texts about how they had a great time with me, basically extolling how wonderful and pretty and nice I am.

Excuse me, my shoulder appears in need of brushing.

Both asked to meet up again. BHG wanted to see me the next night, but I gracefully got myself out of that one. It turned out to be a lucky maneuver on my part.

The following Monday, my phone was bombarded with texts from him detailing how he had had a horrible day. I didn't much care, but I inquired anyway because this is polite society and that's just what you do.

Band Hair Guy proceeded to tell me, in great detail, the story of how a man, who had apparently slept with his ex while he was dating her, confronted him that day, and told him all about how she had cheated on him. Then BHG confronted his ex on the matter, and fighting ensued. He was careful to explain, however, that he still held out they could remain friends, but he was hurt. He was just... so... hurt.

I comforted him and gave him the best generic advice I could offer. And then I told him I was going to take a nap.

When I woke up he had added that the reason he was telling me was because he wanted to hang out with me but he wasn't at his best at the moment.

That was the last I heard from/contacted Band Hair Guy.

There is no way I'm getting sucked into that one. Honestly, BHG doesn't need a date, he needs a shoulder to cry on, and I reserve sympathy for people I actually know--unless I'm drunk at the bar and some bitch is crying in the bathroom, and then I tell her she's pretty like Cinderella and hug her as if she has a week to live. That doesn't count, that's just college girl etiquette.

So I moved on to a few other candidates off of the website. My biggest interest was in Cute Guy #1. Cute Guy #1 was not only, holy crap, someone actually attractive, but funny and intelligent. We texted back and forth and he proved that he hadn't used up the best of his traits writing out his profile. After a few nights, I suggested we get coffee.

Cute Guy told me he didn't much care for coffee.

Hm. So I said, well, maybe we could grab a glass of wine--since he had been discussing earlier his foray into wine tasting (and also, I drink a lot of wine). He laughingly (I'm making a big reach here as this was via text) told me he hadn't really found any wine yet that he liked.

So I quit talking to him.

The next day he texted me again, surprising me, since I took those as blatant shoot-downs and figured I'd focus my energies elsewhere. He said he figured I had gotten busy or fallen asleep.

Yeah, sure. That's what happened.

The texting resumed. Funny, charming, flirtatious. What the hell? Over the long weekend I finally told him that I'd be back in town Monday if he wanted to meet up. This time he said okay. What was the difference? That I spelled it out? Although, since I haven't heard from him in a week, I'm going to go ahead and write off Cute Guy #1 here. He's as flaky as I am.

The other one on my plate I shall call Scientist. He is in grad school, so closer to my own advancing age. He is also funny and smart, and while not quite on the same physical caliber as Cute Guy #1 he isn't bad to look at. He looks... friendly.

(My best friend, looking over my account, has informed me that I have a very specific taste in men and thus, readers, take all of my attractiveness rankings with that in mind. I should chart them on a ranking of Michael Douglas--Pirate.)

Scientist Guy has been keeping up a steady stream of texts, which are oddly conversational and relaxed, as if we have known each other a long time. This is shockingly effective. Since I can be kind of awkward, one of the easiest ways to get me to talk to you is to act as if we have known each other for a long time.

I then feel that, since we have an established relationship, I can totally be myself because you get me! It takes me a while to realize what has happened but by then most of the shyness is gone. I know a few people blessed with this marvelous skill, and they are my best friends now. At least, that's what they tell me.

Scientist Guy is also super impressed that my bff and I hold the high scores at the Erotic Photo Hunt booths at a local bar (holla!), so I've clearly got this one in the bag. If he's impressed by my ability to played a game that involves pictures of naked ladies from 1970 while drinking beer from the pitcher, he's going to be an easy win.

 He hasn't yet asked to meet up, although a few minutes ago he asked me what my plans are for the weekend. Since I just cancelled all my plans I figured I'd better not fish to find out if he wants to hang, even though I'm curious if he will finally make the move and where he would take me. I've yet to have one offer a full dinner. I have no groceries in the house, so maybe that should be my next suggestion. Or we could have a super fun day and get my car's oil changed, maybe fill the gas tank while we're at it.

Romance, dead? Nevah. Now write me a check for my water bill. There's a good boy.

Anyhow, those are the major contenders at the moment. The stream of strange messages continues to hit my inbox, although I have noticed that if I don't respond to people for a few days, I get less messages from strangers. I assume from this that my little warning color probably changes from yellow to red and scares away anyone who wants to tell me "your pretty" or that we just have SO much in common (except that you are fat, and I am not).

One person of note I only responded to again because my mother thought he was really cute. This poor bearded man sent me the longest introductory message I have ever gotten. Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

"Thanks for letting me know that Howl's Moving Castle was more than a movie, by the way. I don't know how I hadn't derived that from simply watching it. Obviously an adaptation you fool! I guess maybe I thought it was a manga. I don't do mangas (mangi?). I do love mangOes, however."

"Congo is way better than Jurassic Park. <Insert head shake>."

"Please don't judge me by the poor construction of this last mind thought; I tried to make 4 sentences in 1. I don't think it worked out very well."

"Did you know he was 6'9"?" --Regarding Michael Crichton, after listing what he considers his top five novels somewhere in the middle of this self-discussion.

"'You like books, me like books. You like lady writors. Me no really like lady righters."

My response to these pages and pages of rambling?

"I don't know if I can respond to anyone who ranks Congo above Jurassic Park."

I think I hurt his feelings.

Edit: I forgot that Probably Gay Guy did originally ask me out for sushi, but at this point I'm starting to wonder if I can still count him.

1 comment:

  1. You crack me up! I absolutely love reading your blog. I'm just going to assume that I am one of those people that gets you and is now your best friend. If I'm not, just lie to me and say I am. :)