Thursday, November 7, 2013

Introspection and Shit.

I've been thinking a lot lately.

I blame the weather - come this time of year, a darkness peppered with rainstorms creeps in over the Midwest like it's heralding some terrible future (it is: snow), and I, along with about 70% of the population, take to my bed at high noon because it's so dark outside it looks like the climax of a horror flick.

Maybe I just read "Julie of the Wolves" too many times as a child but already I am starting to revert back to the ways of our ancestors as a means to survive. I'm striking up alliances with neighborhood animals and finding my place in the local squirrel pack (it's lower than I expected). I'm performing strange mystical rituals by the light of the candle I finally lit by rubbing two sticks together (matchsticks). I'm doubling my caloric intake in preparation for the long winter and also because mozzarella sticks were on sale.

Long story short, it's dark, I'm dark, and I've been thinking a lot.

One of the first things I'm realizing is that I'm a lot stupider than I used to be. More stupid? Dammit. See? I don't even fucking know.

I'm not sure whether to blame this on the fact that I'm now on the downward slide toward thirty and that my brain is deteriorating within my skull more and more with the passing of each day...  or that I've been pumping my body so full of various forms of alcohol for the past ten years and I can light a flame with just my breath (and two matchsticks).

For whatever reason, I'm dumber. I'd worry that this will impact my future career options, unpredictably alter my social interactions, and inevitably steer me down a much simpler and safer path in life than I had envisioned for myself as a quick-witted teen... but my poor brain can't process that much all at once.

Frankly, I need to conserve any remaining strategic abilities for kicking Fluffertail out of the pack. I'm tired of getting the shittiest acorns. That bitch gotsata go.

Secondly, that I care less. Possibly this is because my critical thinking skills are degrading so fast that next year I'll only be capable of sipping a juice box in a rocking chair for the better part of the day, but I just. Don't. Care. I'm getting older and stupider at light speed, and I've wasted a lot of my life putting up with people I shouldn't have, laughing off jokes that hurt my feelings, and having crushes on men that would probably rather date Fluffertail if it came down to a choice.

I'm done with that shit, I really am. Something switched on inside of me (it was probably just hidden beneath all the intelligence, before) that I'm grateful for. People will call me a bitch, people will call me overly sensitive, but I'm going to just call it like I see it now and follow my freaking bliss. I don't need people like that in my life. I'm edging closer to death with every breath, and I need my final days full of people that appreciate that I'm learning to stand up for myself.

Third, I'm noticing that other people are really stupid too.

Yes, I've always known this, because until my brain rotted away I've held myself above these silly, simple fools. I laughed at their little antics, and rested assured in the knowledge that I was better than them.

Well, now I'm down on that level, and since stupidity has given me confidence (aren't most of the stupid people you know strangely confident? That is because they literally don't know any better), I'm ready to tell you folks how stupid you're being in the hopes that we can all band stupidly together and form one and a half or so reasonably intelligent beings. Idiots, we need to unite.

Most especially when it comes to dating.

I do believe I already had a small rant regarding the Friend Zone, so I'll gloss that one over.

Let me just reiterate this: If a girl or guy tells you they just want to be friends, and you stick around hoping they change their mind, you are an idiot. I don't care which movie you think your life is based on, it ain't happening for you, Julia Roberts. Pull your head out of your ass and quit pretending you care about their feelings when you're really just biding your time to bone them.

Guys, being nice doesn't mean you deserve a hot girl. If you're so fucking nice, date a nice ugly girl and quit complaining that the 10 won't date the 3 even though he's like, always there for her. 

Girls, if he's not interested in you, plenty of other men are. You have boobs.

This is not all rocket science. I have seventeen brain cells left, and even I know this.

Uh, do you have an ass? Asses count too.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from my guy friends (or "friends") is that dating is too difficult because they don't want to get rejected. In real life, they lurk in that Friend Zone hoping that one day she'll get drunk, cry on his shoulder because her cat died or something, and see that he's been there for her all along. In the online world of dating, they message one or two girls significantly out of their league, complain when neither Tiffany nor Amber responds, and throw up their hands in defeat.

This all is very stupid. I love you guys, I do, but you're being really stupid.

However a whole new brand of stupid has revealed itself to me as of late. I haven't been dating much lately, probably because I've been so busy trading pelts and growing Yeti legs to keep me warm during the winter months.

Some of my friends are, however, and the best thing about having other poor souls stuck in online dating with you is that you can all stalk the guys your friend is talking with.

Yes, we do that. Did you notice that a girl checked out your profile but did not message you? You probably have a coffee date with her friend that week.

Because I deleted my Plenty of Fish account, my stalking abilities were frustratingly limited, so I signed back up. My experiences with POF have been disappointing and disgusting to the point where I had to scald off most of my skin and some of the memories. So, when creating a profile this time around, I went the most unappealing route I could.

I left everything blank except for my hobbies (Eating. Cooking. Food. Recipes. Leftovers.). My body type is "carrying a few extra pounds." Looking for friends only. My profile pic was of me making an indecipherable face and drinking from a penis cup at a bachelorette party.

Still, the messages came. Other people like food too! Omg we have so much in common.

I consulted my friend on this strange happening, and she noted that my picture gives off the impression that I really love to party and have fun or, as she gently put it, that I'm "easy." I immediately switched it to one of my Halloween photos - entirely in make-up and costume, making the craziest eyes possible, there is absolutely no way to determine what I actually look like underneath it all. None. I could be Jessica Alba or Bill Nye, you would never be able to tell.

If anything, the messages increased. I'm getting favorited right and left. Hahaha, I seem fun. Nice picture. Wanna get coffee?

I have not answered a single message nor made any attempt to seem approachable, my profile is almost entirely blank, and there is no way to distinguish what the hell my face actually looks like. This is the online "Shields up" equivalent of wearing chain mail, a ninja mask, and using my Katana to lop off the hands of anyone who comes within striking range.

Why are men throwing themselves at an online profile that is so clearly not going to end well? The same reason girls think they can only date men that order salads for them at dinner.


Seriously. I love you all, I really do, and myself even more, but got damn. We need to get our shit together, people, before the squirrels take over.

I've been in their midst, and I know how they think, and the human race is in true danger.

Lets order a pizza and talk strategy.