To fully explain to you what I plan to do, I suppose I must be honest and upfront about my previous romantic encounters, you can grasp how little I have to work with here. Serious apologies to anyone involved who happens to reads this. Happily, I hate most of you now and have defriended you, so I can say whatever I want, dicks.
Luckily I can gloss over almost all of high school. High school love affairs generally consisted of me trying to disguise from the male species how much I was sweating while avoiding making any direct eye contact. My dear friends and I also were fond of "stalking" our paramours. Generally this involved making frequent trips around the cafeteria, laughing airily and pointedly not looking at their tables while we stocked up three or four times on napkins.
I had two big "loves" in high school. I'm not sure I actually spoke directly to them at any one point in time... at least until after I had graduated and had lost interest.
Moving to college was an amazing experience. Whether it's because you're around a new group of people who don't still remember you as the pimply, braces-clad sweaty girl who always seemed to be lurking in the hall when you were at your locker, or whether it's because college boys are just super horny, I experienced the new and heady rush of boys asking me out.
Frat boys who wanted to show me their Iguana upstairs (if you know what I mean). Nice boys who asked if they could buy me coffee sometime. I had imaginary relationships with random guys in the hall that stopped by once or twice, that never seemed to work out so I mentally dumped them.
Did I go out on real dates with any?
Nope. Not really.
I was having too much fun. Sure, this guy's nice, and this guy's cute, and this one is kind of a douche but he knows someone who can buy me liquor... but why ruin all the flirting and making out with strangers with a real relationship?
I went out with two boys in college, although never on a real "date." We'll call these boys in question Thing One and Thing Two for the moment, because I'm still harboring some bitterness and that makes me laugh.
I met Thing One at a party, where I was really trying to make out with cute guy over here, but he didn't seem interested, so I made out with cute guy over there instead (ah, college). Cute guy drove me home and i gave him my number, because, well. I don't know. There was that spark, I guess, that always seemed to be missing with the other guys. Plus, he drove me home. That's like a college guy's version of slaying a dragon for you.
Thing One and I dated briefly, long-distance, but I still wasn't ready to be serious, I wasn't sure how I felt anymore, and I ended things.
Thing One showed up a few years later, our air cleared. He was in a relationship. He invited me to his birthday party and I thought, excellent. This shall be a perfect chance to show him how mature I've become (while still retaining my good looks and youthful glow), and we shall spark up a great friendship and be mature adults who dated a little and managed to get a strong friendship out of it.
Only problem was, when I met up with him, I liked him. Like, wanted to smell him when he wasn't looking liked him. Dismayed by my reaction, my friend and I decided it would be best to leave, and we did.
A few hours later, dancing the night away, we ran into him. Oddly, sans his girlfriend. We all hung out and had some laughs until he disappeared unexpectedly. When my friend and I got in the cab to head home (always be safe, folks), I cried. Feelings are seriously inconvenient.
Through some crafty work, I got his number, and we chatted, as friends. When he finally (FINALLY) told me that he and his lady had broken up, I confessed my interest, apparently surprising him. We began to date.
Was it too soon? Most definitely. You see, my friends, there is something known as "The Rebound." It is not a myth. Whereas I was thrilled to be in a relationship with someone I wanted to surreptitiously stare at all night like a psycho Kathy Bates in "Misery," he was more or less having a good time and brushing off his break-up. It didn't take long to figure that out, especially when he kept blowing me off to go hang out with his very pretty blonde friend. I was having a hard time adjusting to being in my first real relationship as well. When was it okay to do this? Was this too needy? Why did he only seem to be interested when I lost my temper? Was I bad in bed? WHY WASN'T HE RETURNING MY TEXTS?
Again, but for very different reasons, I ended it.
When I realized that he was actually in love with his very pretty blonde friend, whether he knew it or not, I was crushed. And it took a long time to bounce back from that. I'd never been crushed before.
As far as I know from some curious stalking I did about a year ago, they are dating now. They will probably get married and be happy and pretty together and have a bunch of kids and buy a house with a fenced-in yard.
I hope that their children are serial killers.