Saturday, November 10, 2012

Real Life Interference

  What a horrible week!

   Romantically, I had to put myself on hold for a bit, as my car and I are at odds--as in, I believe it should start, while it believes it should set me on fire MWAHAHA--so I had to cancel my plans for the weekend.

   I have been spending most of my time raiding the fridge for the entirety of its contents and gibbering on the couch while my roommate roots around the kitchen murmuring, "I swear I just bought a whole thing of butter..."

   Not a great week from the get-go, this one.
    And four dates, I cancelled. Four dates. Somehow I've gone from never dating to double-booking Fridays.

   Actually, it's been kind of nice, the cancelling. Maybe I inadvertently made myself seem more unobtainable, because I've been getting double the usual sweet texts checking up on me, asking me how my weekend is going. It's like having the some of the nicest benefits of a having, boyfriend without needing to pretend their jokes are funny.

   Here's what I missed out on:

1) Sushi lunch with Good Personality Guy, who was an absolute gentleman about me cancelling on him, and also offered to give me a ride anywhere I might need... which, now that I think about it... nah...

2) Home-cooked meal with 60's Band Hair Guy. BHG (who has cut his hair, he informed me, so now what do I call him? "Guy Who Kind of Looks Like My Ex?") has been determined to keep in contact, and invited me to three other events around town this weekend, but I am much too lazy to hike to see him and I refuse to be transported places on the handlebars of his bike.

3) A movie date with Blond Mohawk Guy, also known as CONTENDER # 3. Contender #3 enjoys wine, hiking, and grilling. I also just noticed, upon looking up Mohawk's interests to relate them to you, I am at the high-end of his age limit, and he the low of mine.

The downfalls of being a college drop-out and trying to date in a city devoted to a big university are obvious. Honestly if I can find a man that doesn't need me to buy him beer and sneak him into rated R movies,  I'll consider myself lucky.

4) A mystery date with Tall Guy, CONTENDER # 4. Tall guy had me on the hook from the get-go. He's actually pretty good looking too, although he runs kind of fair and polished while I've noticed lately that my attraction to a man seems to go up exponentially the more he looks like a pirate.

Tall Guy does not have a dusky complexion, a ponytail, or a silver earring--more's the pity, because he's funny in a smart-ass way, and since our meeting has fallen through for this weekend, he's seized on the chance to spend this coming week trying to plan a unique and fun date.

What will this unique date entail? He has only demanded my trust, confidence, and a certain level of goofiness. I have heartily pledged him my goofiness, but I will just make sure I carry pepper spray in my purse. If Tall Guy can actually pull off a unique and fun date without getting maced in the eyes, he'll already be putting himself miles ahead of the others.


   For those of you dabbling in the world of ONLINE DATING, probably inspired by my own delicious experiences, I'm learning slowly that a few things are important, which I will include from time to time.

  + Answer your messages. If the man turns out to be dull as shit, and ugly to boot, you can eventually stop responding, but when I started getting bold and sending out my own messages (which is strangely difficult for a lady), I noticed that OKC warned me about messaging specific gentlemen. Apparently if you don't reply to messages very often, the color of your message button changes from green, to yellow, or if you're truly a risk, red.

   OKC literally warned me, when I was messaging someone surprisingly attractive something fascinating about how they're attractive (what the hell do you say in these things?) that he probably wouldn't answer me back... was I sure?

   OKC has my back here. I was sort of expecting a message from the site a few days later when he didn't respond, telling me it's not me, it's that guy, that guy's a douche and he doesn't know what he's missing. But here's some more matches I might like!

   + Answer the questions. So far they're complete bullshit. Apparently they combine to draw together some outline of my basic personality, which at this point appears to be "more messy" "more sex-driven" and "less kind," which is crap. I'm plenty kind.

   But the bonus of answering your questions is you appear on the site more, which means more people--thus far, more attractive people--have access to your profile. And as long as they don't look at my personality profile detailing what a grubby mean slut I am, they're more inclined to contact me.


    So I should have my car back early next week. I have BHG offering to meet me for lunch between classes, so if nothing else, I will at least have one get-together. I work next weekend so I might not get to double book, but it's time to start making actual contact... mostly because I've run out of things to write about, and I'm really eager to regale you with my future hilarious dating conundrums.

   Maybe I should message Horse Guy again...

   I also think it would be really fun to try new, real-world experiences. Like, approaching men in the supermarket. Bookstore. Pet store. All the places Oprah says are great places to meet the love of your life.

If anyone has any great experiments they'd like me to perform, please let me know. Any pick-up lines I should test, maneuvers I should try... Honestly, I have one move, and that's brushing my boobs against guys at the bar to get free drinks.

   I share that with you because I love and appreciate--use it well, my pretty ones! It never fails.


  1. the boob-brush is a classic! In the past I had a lot of luck with just laughing more loudly than you think to ever be necessary. I know men always want to think that they are funny and really I've found that it's all about the volume. Many think it's charming, I suppose. I've had quite a few evenings where I paid almost nothing just for laughing like an idiot. Admittedly, nerves did play a role in these situations at times. I will have to think of things for you to try while you are out on your dates. the dating world is really your oyster.

  2. If you have a gay wingman, one that really worked one time was, "Excuse me, this is a rude questions, but are you gay?"
    (In this case the guy said yes)
    "Well my friend and I both thought you were really hot, so we were wondering which one of us had a chance."

    My friend and him are still dating a year later.