Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I started this blog approximately two years ago for several purposes, which, at the time, included getting past my first experience with heartache.

Key, however, was using this Dating Experiment as a way to accelerate all of those dating experiences I missed during pivotal developmental years (mostly because I wasn't doing the correct physical developing and no one wanted to date me during said years).

If your biggest relationships developed from friendships, it's painfully hard to get to know someone from scratch - especially for introverted, highly walled Awkward Girls like myself. Worse, it's hard to let someone get to know you. This seemed a fun and clever way to broadcast the horrifying but relatable task of learning how to do this. I can look it over, I can laugh, and best, I can share it with you guys.

I've rambled and gone off-topic and completely lost sight of what this blog had originally intended to be, but I've absolutely loved writing it, and I've loved you. I can't believe how many of you, those I know and those I don't, show an active interest in my tragic love life. Whenever I get a message thanking me for writing because it's helping you through your own bumbling attempts to fish through the weirdos, I can't even believe how happy and how lucky I am that I'm making some small positive impact on you.

It blows my damn mind, y'all.

And it's helped me too, of course. It's made me more confident in my writing and my relationships, and in myself, and I've felt your support and encouragement. That's priceless.

Lately, however, life threw a little wrench in my biznatch. I met someone, organically, that I actually liked. The total package, as they say. A game changer.

And all of my two years of self-training went out the window. I reverted back to the most Awkward of girls. I lost all my self confidence and assurance, and frankly, a lot of weight, out of sheer anxiety. I quit being the chill, funny, comfortable person I know that I am, and I became really fucking weird.

Not surprisingly, it was off-putting, and I messed it up.


I can't say entirely. So much success in life comes from who's in your corner, and I found out a lot about who is, or isn't, rooting for me. Frankly, I discovered a shocking lack of faith in my close circle that might have really just hammered that final nail in.

But I can only blame others so much.

I am myself  - and I am awesome, and smart, and truly kind. I love who I am. I love that I cry about everything, and that I pick up any animal I find on the side of the road. I love that sometimes I'm clever and sassy and sometimes I'm goofy and a total dope and can't get the right word out. I love that I'm a terrible dancer and that I'm embarrassingly bad at math. I love that I'm a fierce protector of those I care for, and that I'm learning, gradually, that it's okay to be vulnerable. I make stupid faces and I laugh like I smoke a pack a day, sometimes with a snort. I'm moody and forgetful and jealous, and honest and generous and sympathetic, and I really like to sit by the lamp and trim my split ends one by one, so sue me. I have clawed my way through a rocky life and I have come out on top, and I respect the hell out of myself for doing so. I've been hurt by a lot of people, but who hasn't?

We're all fighting battles, but the worst thing we can do is fight ourselves. I know that now.

So it's not all bad. I know now that elusive feeling I've been searching for exists, and that I really can be stupid creepy insane about someone. This might not have been exactly what I wanted, but it was the closest I've come, and it's given me a shining beacon of optimism that things can really work out the way I've always dreamed. I honestly didn't know I was capable of feeling this way and knowing I can is amazing. For all of those that think I'm cold, prudish, and incapable of emotion, I bite my thumb at you. You made me think it too, but now I know you are wrong. And I was wrong. I was settling for the level of happiness I thought I deserved, and now I realize I deserve so much more.

What I'm saying, my loves, you marvelous people who have been in my corner, is that I learned a lot about myself in a short period of time, and I learned that this is not the way to do things. I must embrace that I, too, deserve great things, and stop dragging my feet on my journey.

Therefore, I am calling a wrap to The Awkward Girl's Guide to Dating. How can I guide you lovely people when everything I thought I was learning turned out to be crap? I can keep kissing frogs all I want, but that's just distraction. It's time to rise up.

Go forth, be strong, and be yourselves. It's hard as fuck but you deserve it.