Friday, February 14, 2014

Everything's Red, Blood Red…

Happy Valentine's Day!

And I'm not even being facetious! As discussed in last year's Valentine's Day post, I love VD, whether I'm single or happily committed. You can go ahead and quote me on that.

This year, as usual, I fall into the "single as fuck" category on the most romantic day of the year.

Future Husband #2 and I made it about a month before I put the kibosh on that one. Long story short, I've recently upgraded my Jerk Policy to "No Tolerance." At the first sign of jerkiness, I'm cutting my losses. Call me crazy all you want, but I've wasted too much of my time on this crap already.

Jerk me once, shame on you… jerk me twice, shame on me for not listening to my instincts the first time and sticking around despite my better judgement. Again, feel free to quote me on that. I'm full of gems this evening.

One disappointment I am facing on this V Day is the lack of messages in my newly reactivated OKC account. Usually, the entire week of Valentine's Day (or Sweetest Day, whatever that is), I'm bombarded with messages begging me for my love and attention, which I of course refuse to respond to because that sort of desperation is very unattractive. BUT WHERE ARE THEY THIS YEAR? WHY AREN'T THEY TALKING TO ME?

I'm a wee bit torn as how to spend my evening this year. Generally, the options are:

1) Get the other single gals together, doll all the hell up, and go grab some cocktails at the bar while smiling at men and then brutally shooting them down whenever they try to approach us.

2) Get the other single gals together and eat brownie batter out of a communal bowl while chugging wine from the bottle and screaming profanities at some romantic movie where everyone dies in the end.

Unfortunately for me, all you bitches got hooked up this month, and don't have time for either. I'm also way too tired and lazy to doll the fuck up tonight. I've been painting my new place for approximately half of my life and I can barely lift my arms let alone squeeze my winter ass into a red dress and curl my hair.

I can't even stay home and cry into a bowl of brownies this year; I'm off gluten and my new place doesn't have furniture yet. So basically I'd be sitting on the floor in the corner eating a sweet potato in sweatpants and unwashed hair. That just doesn't have the same romantic appeal.

Ideally, I can arrange some combination of the traditional options - maybe grab some cocktails in my sweatpants, and later drunk text an ex or two, or that crush who I tell everyone I'm totally over. I'm pretty tired and cranky today so I could really cross hard into belligerent, and that's an opportunity I don't want to waste.

If a single gal can't get shit-faced and rude on Valentine's Day, than this is not America.

Feb. 15th: National Apologize to Your Liver Day

It doesn't really matter. Tomorrow is the true holiday - when all that chocolate goes half off, and I feast like a friggen goddess.

However you're spending the day, I hope you're enjoying it! <3

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