Monday, February 11, 2013

Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

Ah, yes. Valentine's Day approaches. 

It would seem appropriate to post some long, angry, bitter rant now about the commercialization of love, consumerism, communism, etc.

But I've never actually had a date on Valentine's Day. Thing Two doesn't really count, because we were long distance so I spent the night alone as usual anyway.

You know what I have always had on Valentine's Day? A good time.

Yes, all the Facebook updates about how romantic and sweet so-and-so's Boo is (zomg!), alongside uploaded photos of a bouquet of roses and a homemade meal tends to make me a little

Yeah. Choke on it.

But I'm like that regardless of the day, let's be real. 

Valentine's Day for single ladies is the one day a year when it's not only socially accepted, it's expected, that you will get sloppy drunk, cry, and throw up three dozen mini candy bars on the side of the road.

Everyone comforts you and tells you how pretty and smart you are. And you get to agree with them for once and no one will call you an egotistical bitch! 

I've been waiting all year for this shit. 

After my disappointingly bland date with Future Husband (I), he took the hint that I wasn't interested, and  we went our separate ways. 

...My lovely pirate.

I was a little bummed, but this whole Dating Experiment is helping me not throw all my emotional eggs into one basket. I was excited, I was disappointed, but more importantly, I got over it. 

Luckily for me, as if it was simply waiting for me to pass this all-important test, POF suddenly started parading its most handsome of men in front of me. 

Could they sense that I was becoming cool and aloof, and probably too good for them? Was I playing hard-to-get via Internet message? 

Out of nowhere - or maybe men feel the social pressure to be in a couple on Valentine's Day as well - I was bombarded by messages from good-looking men, with steady jobs and fair grammar. They seemed determined to lock me down as soon as possible, and as usual, I found my reaction to being wanted was to become more stubbornly attached to being single. 

Thanks for paying. 

Go on, boys. Send me that scripted shot of you half-lifting your shirt in the mirror. I'll just add it to my collection. You want to get drinks on Tuesday? NO. I will tell you WHEN and WHERE we will get drinks, and you will like it, and you will pick up the tab. I OWN YOU.

A few I selected to continue talking to, and here's the process: we have a good time messaging online for a bit, and I give you my number to text me. If you pass the text test, then we can meet up in person. 

Surprisingly few will pass this test. How this happens is beyond me. 

Are they having their mothers write out their dating profile and messages to me? Why this sudden change? Immediately spelling, grammar, and basic human standards seem to deteriorate. 

The first of these poor sacks was HugzNKissez, who, to be fair, I didn't expect much from in the first place. The "xxoos!" and constant baby names from a complete stranger proved too much for me, and I did the respectful thing and totally ignored him. 

But wait, that usually works. HugzNKissez did NOT get it. He kept texting, and messaging. The same fucking xxoo's. Over and over. Oh, sweetheart, his phone has been down, did I try to get a hold of him?? XXOO!!!

x fucking o bitch.

NO, my GOD. So I did the next step... I told him that I was sorry, but that I didn't think it would work out between us. 

Well, then he got mad, and wounded. It was "bullshit," and I was "leading him on." I'm pretty sure the most dramatic break up I've ever had was via text with a guy I never actually met in person. He demanded more information. I gently told him I just didn't think we were compatible, but he was nice, and handsome, and he'd do just fine. 

He demanded to know WHAT exactly was not compatible. 

Okay. Well. There's no nice way to say 'you're so dumb I'd worry about your safety if I didn't hold your hand crossing the street,' so I just ignored him. Dumb AND annoying. About an hour later he texted "Lol oh I think I know."
Sure you do, sweetie. And I'm 10 years old and I'm going to ask you WHAT WHAT?? I MUST KNOW!
Eh, probably just going to accuse me of being a lesbian. I get plenty of that at family Christmas, thankyouverymuch.
I had a second one who seemed pretty normal while messaging, but over text was just... unintentionally creepy. I'm pretty sure he was trying to be funny or charming, but it made me want to put on a second layer of clothing. I stopped talking to him when he told me the worst part of texting was that he wished he could be looking into my beautiful eyes when he talked to me.

Dude, I don't even know you. And I don't let people just stare all willy-nilly into my eyes. What are they looking at? Did I miss something when I plucked? Are they trying to read my secrets?? Get out of my soul!!

Okay! It wasn't the dog! Geez!

My other two options, however, are promising. Both are attractive, smart, and make me laugh.

Zoolander, as I shall dub him because of his insane model cheekbones, is my number one at the moment. Not only is he gorgeous (well, via selectively chosen pictures), funny, and smart, he is grateful that I contacted him. Yes, grateful. Flattered. You know what MeMe loves? Ass kissing. 

Get right up on there, boys, plenty of room. 

Bonus, when I told him I hate Twilight, he told me that was the sexiest thing he'd ever heard a woman say in his life. 

THAT is how you flirt without being creepy. 

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