Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Utter Disappointments

I haven't updated in a while, for which I apologize. In my defense I think I have officially hit the scummy bottom of the barrel... and it stinks like dead dreams and illiteracy. 

Seriously. If you ever want to feel bad about yourself.... like scrubbing-with-bleach-while-you cry-in-the-shower-knowing-any-sense-of-feeling-clean-again-is-a-futile-endeavor disgusting... join Plenty of Fish. 

Last week I officially deleted my profile. 

The first few offer for sex, threesomes, or other various, more unique perverted escapades were rather funny. However, the sheer amount of horror coming into my inbox by this time has caused my ovaries to shrivel up in self defense. My vagina has hung up the "Closed For Business" sign and is rocking in the corner with a Bible.

Things stopped being funny, and just became insulting, disgusting, and intentionally rude. 

For example: lose interest in a guy you've talked to a few times because he, say, proposed marriage? He'll just bombard your inbox, and when you don't respond, start sending you messages I can only describe as "rapey." 

According to his profile he works in law enforcement, so that's comforting knowledge.

Dear Every Guy I Know...

What really put me over the edge was yet another offer to "go down on me." I'm not really sure why guys make this offer thinking women are going to leap up and down with delight over it. They dole them out like they're doing us a favor... because they want to do us a favor. 

Dude: If you need practice, go to the farmer's market and buy yourself some soft fruits. I don't want to be involved on the low level of your learning curve.

Anyway. By the time I've read this message, I've had about three head-shakers, and I'm done. I sharply inform him that if he had bothered to read my profile (which has a pretty strongly worded recommendation that people only looking for a hook-up should look elsewhere), he would know that I am not interested in him putting his mouth or anything else anywhere near my poor, protesting lady bits. 

Well, he had looked at my profile, he told me, with smugness that does not have any place coming from a boy with that ugly a mug. But it is a unique offer, he added, and I had seemed like I was reasonable enough to accept it. 

Are you. Fucking kidding me. 

I let off a little steam informing this toity sonofabitch about how "unreasonable" I really am (muthafuckah!), and deleted my profile.

So I've been doing some reading on this phenomena called "negging," that is in no way new but has recently been given a cool wacky moniker so apparently it's mainstream now. Is this what has been going on? 

Respect, Reshpleckt. More Scotch!

For sure it's been used on me multiple times, and I can see where it can be effective. Because it makes you feel like crap. And when you feel like crap you want to desperately seek out that man and FORCE HIM TO ADORE YOU because otherwise, you're not really as pretty or drunkly hilarious as you thought you were, despite everyone else at the party insisting you're a delight.

But, even if it makes me feel fucking terrible (what's so wrong with meeee??), I'm not a shy 18 year old wandering a frat party while some dude tells my my friend is hot but I'm just "eh," so do I want to take a ride on his motorcycle? True story. 

I won't even go into a feminist rant about how much this annoys me, but I had multiple Women's Studies discussions that boiled down to this same situation... which I now know goes by the hideous term of "negging" (Probably named thus because it sounds like "leggings," and thus girls will think it's cute and want to wear it with Uggs and a Northface jacket tee hee!). 

Ladies, please do not ever fall for this cheap-ass douchebag crap. By his logic, you're too physically attractive for him, so he needs to make you feel uglier. We already have the popular media for that. This is like giving a dog a treat for biting you.

Bring booze!

Anyway, to resume. 

I switched back over to OKC, because the boys may be less attractive but no one has asked when he can put it in my booty, so I figure that's an improvement. 

Currently, I am on the fence about the latest interest. He's super duper cute, and we had a great conversation, but when it switched to text, things got iffy. Mostly because he doesn't just send me one text... he sends me four. I put the phone down to pee and I've got like seven pages of missed texts to wade through... though, to be fair I do take forever to pee.

......... g2g ttyl.

His sense of humor borders on immature, as does every sense of humor on every man I've even considered dating as of late. At least once in a while he'll throw something out that impresses me, so I know that he has the full capacity to be clever... but he'd rather try to think of a funny nickname for me despite my telling him, no, never ever give me a nickname. 

Again, it is the confusing conundrum of Boymen--they look like men, but they want to give you a purple nurple (HAHA BOOBIES) and stay out all weekend binge drinking and smoking weed around the coffee table. 

I'm 26 years old, dammit. I do my binge drinking inside, in the basement, like every other normal adult.

Summary: At the rate things have been going, I'm pretty content being single. 

-No one is telling me not to get more cats. I can get as many damn cats as I want, and no one can stop me except city ordinance if a noise complaint is received. 

-I can eat the entire bag of stir-fry "dinner for two" from the supermarket all by meself. That bag does not feed two people. That bag is lunch and I'm still hungry I do NOT WANT TO SHARE.

-I can watch "The Nanny" for seven hours a day without complaints, and no one can stop me except city ordinance if a noise complaint is received. 

-The highlight of my month can be that the sweatpants I wanted went on clearance at Meijer, and it's only sad if I make it sad. 

-When I wake myself up in the middle of the night with farting, no one else is disturbed. Except the cats.

-I no longer need to subject myself to the irritation that is eyebrow tweezing.  

And I feel pretty darn good about myself!

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