Relocation

I fully intend this to be a quick post just to update, but I obviously tend to be long-winded, so hopefully if I run lengthy I can break it up with funny pictures and you'll forgive me.

I definitely have one thing to thank Thing Two for: during finals week I usually stress eat anything I can dip in ranch, but the burning annoyance I still harbor actually has made me lose weight. So, the revelation of your dickish actions has actually made me hotter. Thanks.

I honestly feel that 1) My reaction to this situation could have been reduced, somewhat, if I had only dated more frequently in my life instead of sitting around waiting for "special" guys who turn out only to be especially good at disguising the fact that they're kind of jerks. And

2) That distance has made this more difficult to process. I am unable to do the standard ex-girlfriend-finds-out-you-dated-someone-immediately-after-her crap, like slashing his tires, or junk-punching him in front of his new girlfriend.

Although it might still be worth the plane ticket for that.

However I've had my little tantrum and now I feel better and also can fit into my skinny jeans. My friend sent me this which pretty much summed it up perfectly:

P.S. I hope you got syphilis for your birthday.

So I have finally gotten my college career out of the way, and will be graduating this weekend. This means it's time to get back into the World O' Dating.

I'm still in contact with Skinny Guy and Scientist Guy, both of whom are eager to take me for a post-college drink. I really enjoy text-talking to both of them, but texting can only go so far.

Pretty far, for me (I text with love), but still...

Good Personality Guy invited me to his book signing tomorrow--oh yeah, did I forget to mention? He writes fucking books. Can I seriously marry this guy and live a sexless lifestyle ogling the hot Latin pool boy and adopting Chinese babies?

I was kind of figuring on that anyway... but this way, I'd get tax breaks.

Band Hair Guy texted me again, like forever after the last I'd heard from him, telling me he had been busy, etc. I answered back and I believe it was a full day before I got a response. Band Hair Guy out. I'm too needy for that. If you don't text back within thirty seconds I naturally assume you're having sex with someone else.

There's been a rush on me to move out of my lovely, cat-friendly home, so I will be moving back across the state as of next week. This throws a bit of a wrench into my dating plans.

I was contacted by an actually cute guy on OKC who seemed really nice, so I regretfully informed him, that while he was attractive, etc, I would be leaving shortly. He was totally okay with that and asked me what I look for, sexually, in a guy, so I don't really visualize any white picket fences at the end of that meeting.

Interested in my prospects and with a vague hope of continuing my blog with less whining and more dating/humorous anecdotes, I joined Plenty of Fish.

Guess what? POF is for hook ups.

There might be one or two poor, foolish souls (like myself) out there who think that, hey, maybe they'll find someone nice and hit it off with them via POF, but pretty much everyone else is thinking, how can I show off my abs to the best advantage in this grainy bathroom mirror shot?

Gonorrhea? That's a French-ass name!

But here is my favorite--one of my friends informed me that a man had sent her a rather inappropriate message. I happened to get the same message only a day later--no time wasted here. This is how it went down:

"NOT sure if this is u or not... BUT if u never ask, then u never know right? lol so... i dont wanna get laid, dont wanna get head... BUT what do u thing about this offer? i prefer the company of a more mature woman and it seems like u have ur stuff together. i have a bucket list thing im curious about n wanna ask ya... how is this for something new? i only ask cause im very unselfish, giving, and well... would u b up for a 1x only wonderful and multi-orgasmic oral only time?"

             Mmk.

Understand that this continues, and when I finally deciphered what the hell he was trying to say, it sort of deteriorated into something from the novels I like to read in bed over a long weekend. "Waves of pleasure" and whatnot.

"Um, it's just my back massager! Don't open the door!"

He clearly used a (very poorly constructed) template to send out this charming invitation to lots of females, such as myself and my friend, and when I got over deciding whether or not I found "mature" insulting, I responded:

"I would normally be totally down for this, but I know that my friend got this exact same message, and now I just. don't. feel. special."

Lucky me, I got an answer--a personalized answer!

"lol u have to knock on a few doors b4 u get an answer... u know what i mean? she must b as attractive as u r tho cause i def prefer the quality of a woman... looks and whats in her profile... as oppossed to quantity. then if ud like to experience this... say yes to my offer b4 she does. i am only lookin to find one woman to do this with... and hope she is not a psycho or a stalker... do u fit that bill?"

Then he went on to describe, in great detail and shorthand, his excellent abilities, which I will not relate because my mother reads this blog and I am already regretting the back massager joke.

I saw my out and a way to avoid getting murdered by this 40 year old trucker-hat wearing man who uses "b4," and answered that unfortunately, I am both a psycho and a stalker, so I just didn't see it working out.

He messaged me later asking if I'd consider doing headshots (That's code for naked!) and I just told him nope.

Oh, yeah. Shoot me all over my head.

So while I've gotten 53 messages in, what, two days? and most are "hi your cute u wanna meet?" there actually are two that I answered, who are both attractive and can take the time to type three letters out into a sentence.

Bonus, one looks like TJ Thyne's more ripped brother.

HOT DAMN

And the other one looks like he could beat up TJ Thyne's ripped brother.

With that--OH SHIT--

I just realized I forgot to answer a text from Quippy Guy, who has made almost no impact on me other than he's kind of funny, asking to meet tomorrow. Now I'm ignoring texts from guys asking for dates?

                        ...Does this make me a gangster?