Sunday, April 14, 2013

FACE!

   With the deletion of my Plenty of Fish profile, things have seemed a little bleak. Mostly because I was bored not having messages to check... I have been okay not being bombarded with sexually explicit requests. Go figure.

    My messages on OkCupid were dwindling, and really, I didn't much care anymore. I'm back where I started in this whole Dating Experiment... Dating is stupid an' I don't wanna do it.

   Occasionally I hop back on and look around, but the options are just... really?

I messaged one guy with a hopeful optimism, because he was really cute and has a beard and was wearing flannel, but I kid you not, he included this in his profile:

"I write adult fiction (dirty stories... like NC16 dirty)."

Hrm. Mature.

   I messaged him with fingers crossed anyway (because damn, that beard), asking if perhaps he writes for profit?

Nope. "For giggles and boners."

... Okay.

What about this guy?

"hey hi hello hallow marhaba hola."

Right.

   I found one who looked more or less promising, although his pictures were just close-ups of his lips so fair guess he looks like Gollum with beautiful lips.

Maybe he's born with it...

He had mentioned on his profile this, regarding online dating:

"(for guys) at first, you spend time trying to read through profiles and think of interesting things to say, and then you put in the effort into writing to someone. and usually you get no response, or if you're luck, you get a simple 'no thanks.'"

  I messaged him and asked if this was true. Honestly, honestly, I would rather a guy just ignore me than message back "no thanks." If he ignores me, I can assume he is 
1) Dead 
or 2) Too intimidated by my good looks and charm to risk answering me with something off-putting, so, crippled by anxiety, they can only stare for helpless hours at my message, unable to respond. 

However if he answers, he's solidifying the fact that he just does not find me attractive, because, really, what else is he going off of here?

And if he does not find my profile pictures attractive, then he is really not going to be into me when I'm eating peanut butter cups on the couch at 2am, with no make-up and in the same shirt I've worn for three days.

I was informed "yeah you thought wrong" and "of course" a guy wants a rejection message. Something something only girls with low self esteem don't confront a guy and give him closure. 

Wow, my bad. I guess I shouldn't have anticipated any sort of kind or helpful response from someone whose profile calls everyone in his city "fat" and says "im becoming more and more convinced that there isnt a woman in the area that's good enough for me." 



But then... and now is my moment to really truly brag:

I was checking out the profile for a decent-looking guy, when I noticed something... something amazing. 

A picture of himself and Gerard Butler. Looking buddy-buddy. Arms around, smiles on. 

My stalking commenced. 

Let me just list off the awesomeness that is this dude.

1) He has worked on multiple film sets, including doing stunt work and working as Gerard Butler's body double.

2) He has competed on multiple Ninja Warriors. In fact, we have to push our coffee date to next week because this weekend he will be in Baltimore for another one. 

3) He substitute teaches for mentally and physically handicapped kids.

4) He spells correctly, and has not yet asked me to participate in anything that would require me to be naked. Gentleman! 

5) He cooks.

This is literally the kind of guy girls make up for family events in an effort to prove they're not a lesbian. He probably spends his free time volunteering at a homeless shelter and advocating for abused puppies. I'll bet he rides horses on the beach. 

My one concern going into this is that he sounds very active... and while I like to take a leisurely stroll now and then, and once in a while alternate a few minutes on the thighmaster with eating cupcakes, I'm a pretty mellow person. I love to go out, but I need a good two-to-three weeks to recover afterwards. I love being outside all day but where will I nap?

Either way, I totally get to brag about this to everyone ever. If it doesn't work out I'll just grab his ass on the goodbye, so I can close my eyes and for once, finally, know how it feels to inappropriately grope Gerard Butler. 

In my many fantasies that have already sprouted from this, I work my way up... body double, to face double, to the Butler himself, and make an honest man of him. 

...And here's where I tie her down and... no, it's okay, she's my wife.

So all in all, I think I deserve this:

WELL DONE, ME!

I think this is purely a bragging rights date, to be honest, and rather a time-passer, but rest assured BRAG I SHALL. 

And then, smugly satisfied, the snow shall cease, and I can finally go on my real date with my Groomsman, because, and I don't mean to be cheesy, it's like my friend says:

"If you look THAT happy in a picture when talking to someone, then there is something there."

The dating future is bright, y'all. 

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