Friday, January 18, 2013

Wait? What's That Tingling?

Okay, guys. I don't want to jump the gun here (me? never.).

I don't want to overreact. I don't want to get too excited because that has a serious habit of biting me in the ass.

But I think I found my future husband. 

And not in the way that you throw the term around when chilling (drinking) with your best friend in a nice restaurant (bar), and you pick the cutest guy there/ the one buying you drinks/ the only one left in the building and make a sweeping declaration that that, THAT, guy will be your future husband. And then you go to pee for the forty-ninth time.

I mean this in the way that no woman should ever admit without an anonymous blog. The, 'I've planned our wedding on Pinterest' way, and the 'I've already figured out how you will propose' (anniversary trip to Ireland) way.

I have literally imagined our entire relationship in my mind, right up to the point where you sneak into my hospital room, hold my hand, and our souls fly away and unite forever in the graceful form of snowy wild birds.

                                                  I like my fantasies well-planned.

Could have been a solid 400. 

So what happened to Hugz 'n Kissez?

Ugh! I gave him the boot after too many XXOO and winky-faced text messages. I'm pretty sure he's at home doodling pictures of our future children together in his Lisa Frank binder watching reruns of "Friends" on TBS.

                           Can I PLEASE just be the GIRL for ONCE in a relationship?

But anyway enough about Hugz 'n Kissez. He's out, Future Husband is in. Everything is on hold until I see where this thing goes with Future Husband (goes as in, to the altar). 

Mr. MeMe... That has a ring to it.

So what makes Future Husband so special? 

1) He is super attractive. The only downside is that he looks--a little too much--like Thing One... 

But since Thing One pretty much epitomizes my type (pirate), I can accept this. Actually it's a kind of nice to get back to the things I'm truly attracted to (beards). 

My one fear is that one day, when Mr. MeMe and I are happily married and giggling together over early-morning coffee before work (he knows how much I need my java fix!) I'll run into Thing One and his stupid girlfriend/wife person, and he'll think I was so in love with him that I had to replace him with someone who looks just like him but has a better jawline and is way cooler.

2) He not only carries on a conversation, with correct grammar and spelling and interesting anecdotes, I hang on his OKC messages. I long for them. I want to carry my laptop in my pocket and check it obsessively during dinner with friends until they yell at me to put it away they never get to talk to me anymore because I'm so caught up with Future Husband. 

3) He has the exact sense of humor I find funniest. No forcing jokes, no eye rolling. He is perfectly tailored to my needs. And so far, he seems to get mine as well. Not many men find my aggressive and mildly insulting sense of humor adorable and clever. 

4) He is an attorney--repeat, he has a good job. In fact in a few more years he'll probably be legitimately wealthy. He'll be able to fund my perfect Pinterest wedding. And I can argue/fight with him all I want and it will just lead to hot make-up sex, as is appropriate, rather than a crying boyfriend who thinks I'm dead inside and should be medicated.

5) He plays guitar in a band. He brews his own beer. He loves hiking with his dog. He has hipster glasses.

Perfection? Thus far!

    Yes, the original drive behind this dating blog was to get some experience dating so at some point down the road, whenever someone cute and in possession of a penis spoke to me, I would react less like the girl above and more like this:


Also to have hilarious anecdotes I can consult for my future writing needs. And to piss off my ex.

However, since the unlikely result has been someone I might be actually interested in dating and eventually tricking into marrying me... bonus. 

What is this? MeMe, optimistic? Okay, moderately. I recognize that this may, very unfortunately, blow up in my face. But you know what, for once I don't care. 

This is the first time in a long time I haven't felt bitter, betrayed... and other "b" words. I need this because:

-My Big Crush, the one I stubbornly glommed onto for way more years than I want to admit, was ruined by reality. Reality is a dick and so is my Big Crush. 

-My ex's are all happy with their new girlfriends they both started dating immediately upon my dismissal because they're incapable of being alone, thereby negating any positive memories I might have tried to cling to of our time together because if I'm that easily replaced, it was all a bunch of crap. And so are my ex boyfriends.

-Anyone who is nice, smart, treats me right, etc., I am almost invariably not attracted to, even if they're cute, like some sick joke of nature or the sad blunt end of a Daddy Issues joke. I just do not fall easily. Falling just leads to unsightly ass bruising, and I try to avoid blemishing the Money Maker. 

So, anyway, right now, I'm going to enjoy my crush. It feels good to feel good again--for however long it takes to find out that he pees on hobos or keeps severed fingers in a mayonnaise jar in the basement freezer. 

Honestly, I'm almost terrified to meet him in real life and ruin this. 


Wish me luck. 

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