Let MeMe Be Your Guy-d

Somewhere along the line I lost sight of the fact that I intended this, originally, as a guide, for those other awkward ladies and men trying to navigate the treacherous and slutty waters of the dating pool.

Maybe that's for the best.

What authority do I have, after all? My go-to response in social settings is to laugh awkwardly and fidget while avoiding eye contact, sometimes replying to questions with a noun or adjective that has absolutely no right to be included in the sentence.

"How are you doing today, MeMe?"

"Jaunty birds. Two-by-fours. Eclectic coffee pencils (nervous laughter). Amiright? You know!"

And yet, the shocking realization is that I am still not anywhere near the most awkward, uncomfortable, cringe-inducing human in the Internet Dating World of OkCupid.

Even my Groupon subscription, at this point, is gently recommending I try Match.com:

"Half off. Come on, MeMe... please listen. We're worried about you. It's 50% off now, and 50% more normal. Just think-- that's 50% less bitching from you. Think it over, won't you? For your own good?

For some reason, I persist, although my interest in the dating world can only be described as "lackluster" at best.

Gerard Butler did his best, and even suggested a mini golf outing, which, I feel (for him) was a true stretch of the imagination. I agreed, because I hate open rejection, and then went into the ritual of only answering half his texts, weaning him off until there were no more responses and he got the hint and stopped asking.

Since he would only text me once every few days this was not much of an issue, and my worry that I was stifling his burning passion for me alleviated.

Smoking Hottie, meanwhile, actually texted that he realized he was being rather stingy in an attempt at strange (and awkward) flirtation, and offered to buy me (yes, purchase!) sushi one day if I could make it out to his neck of the city.

Obviously, he reads my blog.

I'm open to this, because I enjoy looking at him, but again, there's really no worry that these boys are going to bust down my door to get to me. Call me old-fashioned but I like a man who's the perfect mix of giving me breathing room and obsessing about me to the point where it is no longer healthy.

Because this blog also turned out more popular than I could ever have expected or hoped (and I love you desperately for being so interested in my terrible dates, tragic history, and overall madness), I've been getting a lot of feedback from various individuals, who are trying to follow my "rules" but not fully grasping that I make shit up as I go, and will in all likelihood change my mind next week, swearing I never even SAID the thing that I had, previously, been so strident about, let it GO already good gracious.

So, for my bros out there in utter confusion, here's a few basic rules that I may or may not waver on down the line (my ladies, please feel free to comment any additional Golden Rules that I may have overlooked):

Rule One: If You Ask Her Out, You Pay. Jesus. 

   It's really as simple as that. Yes, we live in 2013 and feminism means women are striving to be equal to men, earn the same amount per dollar, and live in a world where we can be respected and admired and safe, even though Kickstarter just funded a guide for men that literally tells them it's okay to just grab our hands and put them directly on the penis. It's a confusing battle between good, evil, and old fashioned here.

But just answer me this: Did you ask her out? You did, didn't you? Then plan on paying.

   If she asked you out, and you said yes, not only is she my new hero, she should also expect to foot the bill. Or at least go Dutch. Fair's fair.

   But, speaking as someone who gets rejected every time she asks a man out, yet seems to be in hot demand when she appears to be totally uninterested (admittedly, awkwardness maaaay be a factor here), men seem to prefer to be the ones doing the asking. Am I being too bold? Am I scaring you? Am I literally not making any kind of sense whatsoever in my attempt to communicate with you? I don't know. But if you want to be the ones doing the asking, go right ahead. Just pay.

   NOTE: 
   Don't preface the date with a condescending wink and a pat on the hand, followed with, "It's on me, so order whatever you want, little lady." Thanks, I think I'll order my dignity back.
   Don't hold up your hand like a Supreme and tell her you've got it when the check hits the table. Just pick it up, and put your card down like it ain't no thing. You got this. You planned this. Let her fiddle with her purse a minute, because we genuinely feel bad if we don't offer (unless 1- she is an entitled bitch or 2- you were just the worst of companions for the course of the meal), but assure her, it's on you and thanks for spending the evening with you. Boom. I don't care if you bought me water and I splurged for a slice lemon, that's what I like to hear.

   NOTE: 
   If you can't afford a nice dinner and a movie, or don't want to put that kind of investment into a new person, go for coffee. Go for ice cream. Take a walk. Read her some romantic epic poems (please don't read her poems on the first date). Figure it out, son.

   NOTE: 
   This does not mean you have to front the bill for your female friends, your mother and extended family, and every woman in the bar. Are you trying to sleep with them? I certainly hope not (though I can't speak for some guys I know). Thus, they don't expect you to throw cash at them like they're spending their weekend twirling on a pole beneath a shiny disco ball.

Not again, Cousin Judy... You promised!

Rule Two: On the Initial Approach... Don't Be So Weird.

Seriously, quit being so fucking weird.

-Do not propose or profess love before a socially appropriate amount of time has passed.

 That is just never okay. Please stop doing it.

Let's analyze an example, shall we?

"Ok so maybe this is a bit forward.. .. but how about we go explore Chicago, you know because I'm an expert on the place... While there we could get engaged.. Yeah you know like wedding future wife be with me forever engaged hahaha .."

My first reaction to this (second, my first is that this individual absolutely has no concept of how to use ellipses) is holy hell, he's going to murder me somewhere in the three-hour drive it would even take to get to Chicago. I'll end up stuffed into his dead mother's wedding gown and kept in a dry basement closet until the police find me twenty years later during a drug raid.

You look like you're about a size four... 

Not only is suggesting we spend a total of 6 hours in a car together on a first date (assuming I even make it back) very presumptuous and completely horrifying, adding to the fact that I'm coming home with a (very small, no doubt) rock on my cold dead finger is just way too much pressure.

  Desperation level: Expert.

   My friend is experiencing a similar problem--a man she dated for a month (a year ago) continues to text her with declarations of love, and an insistent that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

   They broke up because she found out he was engaged. To his cousin.

   You can't bounce back from this, buddy. I don't care how much you claim to love her in the hopes that she'll forgive you for being an absolute piece of crap, because girls like that, right? That's all they want--committment!

 You gots to git.

Please help me; I don't even know this man.

-Don't start off with a joke. Or a pick-up line. That ranks only slightly less pathetic.

-Do NOT neg her. I don't even think men know they're doing it half the time. If you are incapable of delivering a compliment without wrapping it in an insult, than you need to analyze why you can't just tell someone you think they're attractive without adding that they look like of like a thicker version of Julia Roberts. Are you so afraid your honest appreciation will be rejected that you add in a preemptive return snub? Don't get pissed when she's not flattered.

DO: Be honest. Yes, that can be difficult. It may not get you a return message on a dating site. It may not get  you much in person, either. Women have men bombarding them with crap, crap, crap, all the time. In the bar. On the street. While driving. At the store. While walking the dog. During delivery of our firstborn. Constantly, it's just:

Hey! Girl, you single? Hey! Hey! Hey! Nice Ass! Hey!

In my case, "Hey! How old are you? Hey! Hey! Hey!"

We block it out, automatically. Honesty will make an impression. A nice, "Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but I think you're really lovely, and I'd love to buy you a drink/talk with you for a minute/get your number and maybe take you out this weekend, because I can see you're with friends and I hate to interrupt" will either get you digits, or at least a really nice lie about already having a boyfriend if you're a 2 and she's a 9 (Rule Three: Know Your Limitations).

DON'T: Be too honest. "You're so hot I want to bang you right here and now on the bar, and I don't care who's watching. Ursher-style."

Rule Four: Accept Rejection Gracefully

I can't really help you here; I'm still working on that one.

It always has time for me.

Step 5, 8, 16, 21, and 56... Resignation

The time has come again. MeMe felt the siren's call of dating---but mostly I just missed you guys--and  attempted the dreaded second date.

Not once, mind you, but twice, in the hopes that something magically strange or awkward would happen, and I could report back with a great second date story that you could share around the water cooler, with your grandparents over breakfast, or work into your wedding vows right in that tricky spot where you're not quite sure what story to put between the day you met and the day you proposed.

Unfortunately, both dates were more or less unremarkable, so I must resort, as usual, to some salty language in an attempt to liven things up.

Obviously, the first order of business was to meet up with the smoking cute studlett that is, let's face it, too young for me, but who is very pretty and who I enjoyed speaking with.

And I enjoyed speaking with him again, though I started noticing things I had missed on the first date.

For example--because what's one of my posts without bitching about the check?--the first date was just coffee, and he was sitting and visually absent when I arrived, so I ordered my own coffee and went off to find him.

In retrospect, it was a bit odd that he had already ordered his, and was maybe more legitimately trying to hide around the corner of the cashier than simply out of sight.

I say this because he invited me out for round two at a time when I had a mere few precious dollars to my name (pretty much like every other day), which I mentioned.

He offered, via text, to pick up the tab... but with a winky promise that I'd get the next one. Well sure, that's adorable, and isn't that how kids these days flirt?

Except without the charming addition of a winky face emoticon, he got kind of intense about it. I had to do a pinky swear that I would pick up the tab next time around. He was beaded with sweat and shaking until I broke down and agreed, because I was starting to foresee that third date not being an issue.

I bought black coffee, mind you. It was less than two dollars.

Well, I reminded myself that he was recently out of work. And a handful of years younger than me (props). I could vaguely relate to his concern, and tried to brush it off.

We talked for two hours again. He is really fascinating to talk with, kind of like a cute little white Morgan Freeman on some PBS special. Philosophy, odd science, fun facts... he is obviously very intelligent, and I felt my brain waking up a little, pleased to finally have an opportunity to impress, and give the fake smiles and on-cue laughs a break.

Although, then there were those moments where he told the story of an older homosexual man confessing his love, or underwear cuddle time with his male roommate, that made me wonder why I like my men so gay.

Afterward, despite the stimulating conversation accompanying my sudden fear that I'll end up married to a really clean-cut man who spends an inordinate amount of time with his best friend Julian, I left noticing that I had lost some of that spark from the first date.

I think the stimulating conversation may have overlooked the fact that the two of us need to get to know one another to build anything. I learned about sensory deprivation, Indigo Children, and how a recognizable gay celebrity wanted to more or less adopt him, but I didn't leave with any sort of picture of who he was as a person.

The only really clear picture I came away with was the worrying image of him and his roommate sitting in sticky repression on their sofa together, clad only in tight white briefs and denial.

I was not adverse to meeting again... and purchasing him a round, or a coffee (though nothing much fancier than that on principle). After all, he was shelling out for gas and coming to see me, and with local gas prices figuratively dropping the soap and telling us in a husky voice to "bend on over an' pick it 'urp," that's nothing to be overlooked.

Until he told me he was going to Puerto Rico this weekend, just for "fun." Okay. You may not have a job at the moment, but if you can fly off to a tropical land on a whim, you can fucking pick up the tab for Panera coffee, and even a muffin should I feel so inclined. Sympathy and understanding REVOKED.

So, I set up a second date with Gerard Butler, who had tried a few times to arrange one via text but never found me in a particularly interested mood. He had promised, this time, that it would be "on him," since I made a point of noting I was brizzoke as shit after our last date had ended with me reluctantly taking my half of the sushi dinner he had so helpfully suggested.

I honestly did not even shower for this date. I have started a new job that I am still trying to navigate and thus in a perpetual state of stress and nerves, and my body isn't quite ready to return to a diurnal schedule after half a year of sleeping through the day and scurrying around at night with my eyes reflecting car headlights. Showering and the subsequent beautifying routine just sounded exhausting, especially for a late-night date. I wore my glasses, a little mascara, and the clothes I had worn the night before for getting drinks with a friend. It definitely took him a minute to recognize me.

We met at a neighboring town, at a really fun bar with a great vibe. People in dreadlocks were beating Bob Marley out of bongo drums, and there were stuffed jackalopes all over the room. I was more excited to see that people really do congregate and have a good time on the weekends than to see Gerard, because I live in  a city based on that town in "Footloose," but I will admit that, upon second perusal, he is very attractive. I think upon initial meeting I was too busy noting ways that he is NOT Gerard Butler to realize that he's a pretty handsome lad.

The bar, while I loved it, was way too loud for conversation. That was probably all right. Neither of us really had much to say.

In between sets I launched into my nervous "say anything oh God just talk" habit, again, like a hysterical little monkey in red pants. I don't even know what came out of my mouth. He probably couldn't hear me anyway.

I know, however, I made a few attempts at jokes--at least one of them had to have been clever--to no response. Barely a smile cracked.

I laugh so hard I cry at my own jokes, but nothing from this guy? Hard audience. The more I noticed this, the more desperately I tried to become funny, and the more stoic he seemed to become, and the monkey just chattered harder.

Could I resign myself to a life of just not being funny?

He is, I will say, sweet, and definitely kind of shy and awkward, which comes off as strange on a guy over six feet tall who is build like Gerard Butler (Yeah, I looked).

But when he walked me back to my car and hesitantly tried to feel out a third date, I couldn't feel it. I like men who are goofy and know when to be ridiculous and make me look  like the stoic one.

I don't think it would work. I watched my dad ignore my mom's jokes (and vice versa, though his, to be fair, were terrible) for their marriage right up to the end, and I know that I need someone who yes, thinks I'm clever and intelligent, but also uproariously funny (and hot)... and doesn't mind picking up the first few checks.

THE ONLY FUNNY JOKE MY DAD EVER TOLD (WHEN I WAS LIKE NINE, AND MILK CAME OUT OF MY NOSE):

A rabbi was called to a small village in Africa called Trid, to deal with the issue of a giant who had invaded and was going around kicking the tar out of the villagers.

The rabbi went, and found the giant roaming around, happily kicking the poor people of Trid halfway to China.

"Giant!" The rabbi called bravely, hoping reason would end the horror. "This is wrong! You must stop kicking these poor people!"

And then the rabbi cowered, bracing himself for a foot to the rear.

The giant only laughed, however.

"Silly Rabbi," he boomed. "Kicks are for Trids."

MeMe Lives For a Day

Wait, wait, wait... Wait. Did MeMe just have a good date?

With someone who actually is attractive and also happens to not be four inches shorter than claiming on their profile?

... Apparently one just has to give up hope entirely.

Even better than the fact that he was incredibly cute head-on... and then he'd turn just-so and hit the perfect angle and becoming what I like to call "shockingly attractive holy shit..." he was super interesting and seemed totally unaware of how much I was daydreaming about boning him.

He's a nerdy hipster pirate with an interest in sociology and the human mind and one of those people who gets so caught up in a project they forget to eat. I don't think I've ever forgotten to eat in my life. I eat while planning my next meal. I suddenly feel like I'd be way cooler if I got so intense I forgot to eat... but low blood sugar on my part results in destruction and death for those around me so I'll settle for developing my alcoholism. That's sort of interesting too.

Still waiting to hear from him and get that all-important follow-up contact, though we talked for two hours, took a walk, and he mentioned meeting again so I feel pretty confident all is well--which probably means he won't call.

Or has finally recognized that he is gay will only call to thank me. Dammit!

If he does contact, I will certainly meet him again and see how it goes. This has definitely been the best date I've been on thus far, and the only one I'm actually eager to see again. I want to skip over the awkward getting-to-know-you stage and just lay my head on his chest while we stare at the stars and do other ridiculously annoying romantic crap because he's just. that. cute.

Huzzah!

To Everything... Turn... Turn... The Lights Off and Go Away.

To my loyal readers:

I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth again. I've been so terribly busy, rushing to and fro, recording documents, scanning, faxing, dialing... okay, whatever, fine. I dropped my laptop and then about fifteen minutes later dumped a margarita on it for good measure. Don't worry though; I had more margarita on hand. Crisis. Averted. 

There is a Season: 

Turning 25 for the third time this year, I've learned a few things.

ONE: No, you can't spend the whole month binge-eating pizza and burgers and then expect to eat a salad one day and drop five pounds. Your body has finally turned on you. Your glory days are gone, and you SQUANDERED them you terrific fool! God bless your oddly youthful face; all is not lost.

TWO: You will start saying stupid shit like 'they seem like such a nice family!' and meaning it. You will also read ingredient lists while grocery shopping to avoid aggravating your lactose sensitivity or prompting heartburn. Probably while parking your cart in the middle of the aisle with joyful obtuseness and smiling at babies.

THREE: More cats will show up. You can walk down the street, and cats just fall into line behind you. They can sense that you're single and know that it is only a matter of time before you doze off in an armchair and they can chew off your face. Keep extra bags of food handy and take short naps to maintain vigilance.

FOUR: Suddenly, a night on the town seems like a lot of work. You know what sounds fun? A mellow night in with friends. Possibly a board game and some mixed drinks. You can have fun, be in bed by nine and you don't have to worry about avoiding sunlight and loud noises for the next six days. Doesn't that sound nice?

And then there's FIVE, where you realize that you're suddenly an adult and your entire life is now moving you toward a "future." You've got a real job that pays you this amazing thing called a "salary," and your days of watching TBS until the wee hours of the morning are screeching to an end. You now own a twill dress and a jacket and you're working on an air of quiet authority. Most horrifyingly, you're stuck between joy that the bills will be paid and you won't always live in your mom's basement and you can buy a car that isn't held together with duct-tape... and a clenching worry that you're turning away from the things that are important to you. Like watching TBS until the wee hours of the morning because you're feeling "artistic."

Worse, the weather is changing, and, as a female, sights, smells and even a specific temperature prompt memories from random moments in your life. Remember that one time you played hide-and-seek with your brother in the field outside a red church and it was of absolutely no importance or note? You do now.

Lately, to my chagrin, it's been those "happy" moments I shared with Thing Two... when what is now "crazy" he still considered "fun" and "challenging."

And I want to be able to sit and absorb these moments from my first dabble into love, but then I'm reminded that Thing Two sure as hell isn't wasting his time thinking about how we had a few laughs... he's too busy with the new girlfriend he picked up the moment we ended (or just slightly before, still not quite solid on that timeline which is a constant source of frustration...) so any effort I may put into reminiscing seems entirely wasted and I hate wasting my time unless it's by playing video games or blacking out after too many cocktails.

I think what's confusing is that, with the rest of my life finally on track, I'm ready for a real relationship. Yes, I've had to squeeze about ten years' worth of dating experiences into the past few months, and yes, I've probably acted like a sixteen-year-old for most of them as I've tried to absorb how the social mating process works after years of celibacy inflicted by braces and acne while I developed a "personality" and crippling phobias about opening up to people.

But, as stupid as this whole experiment may appear to an outsider, it's done its job. I can small talk, I share my feelings, I make extended eye contact, and I'm comfortable with physical contact.

So, I've gotten all that weirdness out of the way, and with warm weather here, I'm ready for someone to rub my shoulders after a long day of work and take me out for a nice dinner (he's so sensitive!). I want to do relationship-y things... like not talk for long periods of time, possibly while sitting on a porch swing. Make comments about the weather. Discuss varicose veins and the dangers of sun radiation. Maybe gently argue politics then fall asleep during sex.

As you may have picked up on by now, I go through phases: Desperately Want a Relationship phases, which lead to a few awkward dates, which lead to Thank God I'm Single, I Never Want One of These Morons to Think They Own Me phases. So this was only a matter of time.

In an effort to pull the rest of my life together and put myself on the track to a pretty diamond, two chocolate labs and a summer house in the country, I've reconnected with those men otherwise ignored on my dating website.

And so, inevitably, I went after the hottest ones first. Tomorrow I have a coffee date with a guy who is incredibly, smoking hot (if his pictures don't lie)... like, way, way out of my league, but who likes small dogs and is afraid of cats. I figure that balances him out. Makes it less of a challenge.

He and I seem to run the pattern of forgetting about each other, texting a lot, forgetting, and then marveling that we still haven't gotten together. I get busy, he goes on a tour of the states to film a documentary. Etc. He's cool, that's the point of that story. He films documentaries. That almost makes up for being afraid of cats.

Thank God that while I was sitting outside (drinking) thinking about past relationships and how much I hope they're miserable without me when the sudden reminder of this hot guy and his interest hit, and I contacted him and we made an actual official date.

Gerard Butler guy has messaged a few times trying to get together, but, while I considered it, there wasn't enough there for me to feel like struggling to make conversation for an hour (although he did offer to pay, per my comment that I couldn't go out until my check came in).

So, we'll see how tomorrow (coffee date) goes. If not well, then let's pray I become entirely absorbed in having a career and forget my recent urge to date again.

At least I can now afford, with some frugality, to regularly hire an attractive male prostitute to tell me I'm pretty and pretend that our lovemaking is entirely about the emotional connection. So much an improvement, and definitely worth the extra cash.

What's The Point Besides an Excuse to Binge-Eat Ice Cream?

I got a little nervous and excited for my date with Gerard Butler's Body Double Guy... as in, I drank a glass of wine to calm my nerves as I sat on the couch in my pajamas until the last possible moment I could do so.

I pulled out the stops, looks-wise, when I finally made myself get up. I even shaved my legs and put on the magic skirt that does some kind of wondrous thing to my backside, as if God Himself has reached down and given it a smack of approval. Bury me in this skirt.

I aimed for that cute, care-free and low-maintenance look that only takes about three and a half hours (and a serious level of skill) to create. I even strategically left my freckles make-up free, as if I'm just naturally fresh-faced and sun kissed and didn't at all have to wipe the foundation off of them individually. 

And I got to the restaurant only like five minutes late. That is a clear indication of my seriousness. I looked good. I made an entrance. I was fucking prepared for this.

Gerard Butler Body Double Guy had suggested we meet for sushi, which shows he has awesome taste in food and also suggests he probably read in my profile that I love sushi... which shows an ability to read.

I went in for the hug and he went in for the handshake. He was tall and I am not tall, though I wore my hookeryest boots, and the combination of all of this was an incredibly awkward hug where our arms bumped and ricocheted as if our bodies were unconsciously rejecting the embrace.

I just laughed because Awkward Girls don't give a fuck, but he seemed truly horrified.

The date was, for lack of a better description, dull. He was good looking, but on the quiet side. This forced me to carry the conversation which is not something I have any talent in. I will literally just blurt out everything that I'm thinking as fast as possible with no real connection between ideas. I ended up talking about Sharktopus for like twenty minutes.

If you do not love this movie we can't be friends. 

The only part of the evening really worth noting was when the waiter came and asked how we wanted the check. Gerard Butler Guy went super quiet. I waited. And then I waited. And then the waiter looked at me with a sympathetic tear in his eye and I told him to just split it. 

The Rules of Dating (For Men):

    1) If you invite the girl out, pay. 

    2) If you pick the restaurant, pay. 

    3) If you don't plan on paying... do not suggest an expensive meal.

    4) Just fucking pay holy crap.

If I had known I was covering my portion of this, we would have been splitting a bowl of Ramen noodles on a pair of folding chairs in the backyard, and I would not have wasted my time putting on real clothes. 

Psst. Get those, will you?

Yes, yes, equality and whatnot. Listen, I don't care if you don't make a lot of money. I don't mind picking up my half, or trading off... down the road. But the first date is the one where you at least pretend I'm worth putting a few bucks into.

I have officially asked out one guy (who agreed, that is), and as I am poor, we got coffee. I picked up the tab, because I am a gentleman and also I had a coupon for a free coffee. Point is, not paying when you've asked someone out is tacky. 

Possibly he was just not feeling me, although he did seem to appreciate my boobs (who wouldn't?). Maybe talking about a land-walking shark-octopus hybrid developed by the government as a specialized killing machine was not the way to win his heart. He yawned and stretched a lot, and ate every piece of ice in his glass like he would be charged extra if he didn't. I suggested twice that he could go if he needed to be somewhere, but then he would insist he was fine. I supplied the out, so that's his problem.

 Don't rush me when I'm drinking a beer.

He did walk me to my car and mention doing it again sometime, but I've learned that everyone just says that because we're all fucking liars. Sure, call me. Just don't expect me to answer.

I have not heard from him yet, so either he is playing the Game or he was legitimately not interested in me and my fascinating talk about the mucus production of my foster cat. This will make him the first one who hasn't contacted me after a date, so my ego ain't hurting just yet. 

Going out with him and finding it was more or less another dud of a night put me into a weirdly desperate mood. Luckily I gathered a few friends together and over drinks they entertained me with talk about buttholes, and all seemed right with the world again. 

Some days I need to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with being single... and that is in fact pretty awesome. As of next week I officially plummet into my "late" twenties, and I still work at a job where pants are optional. I'm starting to feel the pressure of society, enemies, and ex's thinking I'm "failing" because I'm not in a relationship. My Facebook is blowing up with engagement and marriage announcements and I'm still at that stage in my life where if I manage to brush my teeth I consider the day a success. 

But then I remember that I have total freedom, friends that will take me out for margaritas, and that I'm fucking awesome at arcade games, and I no longer give a crap that my family members think I'm probably a lesbian. 

I'll make some lucky lady very happy one day.

Tomorrow I'll probably get a wave of hormones and decide my life won't be complete until I move into a white house and have four freckled children, but for right now I'll just enjoy. 

UPDATE:

Text at midnight: "Maybe we should just get sushi again next week."

... Does that sound incredibly resigned to anyone else?

FACE!

   With the deletion of my Plenty of Fish profile, things have seemed a little bleak. Mostly because I was bored not having messages to check... I have been okay not being bombarded with sexually explicit requests. Go figure.

    My messages on OkCupid were dwindling, and really, I didn't much care anymore. I'm back where I started in this whole Dating Experiment... Dating is stupid an' I don't wanna do it.

   Occasionally I hop back on and look around, but the options are just... really?

I messaged one guy with a hopeful optimism, because he was really cute and has a beard and was wearing flannel, but I kid you not, he included this in his profile:

"I write adult fiction (dirty stories... like NC16 dirty)."

Hrm. Mature.

   I messaged him with fingers crossed anyway (because damn, that beard), asking if perhaps he writes for profit?

Nope. "For giggles and boners."

... Okay.

What about this guy?

"hey hi hello hallow marhaba hola."

Right.

   I found one who looked more or less promising, although his pictures were just close-ups of his lips so fair guess he looks like Gollum with beautiful lips.

Maybe he's born with it...

He had mentioned on his profile this, regarding online dating:

"(for guys) at first, you spend time trying to read through profiles and think of interesting things to say, and then you put in the effort into writing to someone. and usually you get no response, or if you're luck, you get a simple 'no thanks.'"

  I messaged him and asked if this was true. Honestly, honestly, I would rather a guy just ignore me than message back "no thanks." If he ignores me, I can assume he is 

1) Dead 

or 2) Too intimidated by my good looks and charm to risk answering me with something off-putting, so, crippled by anxiety, they can only stare for helpless hours at my message, unable to respond. 

However if he answers, he's solidifying the fact that he just does not find me attractive, because, really, what else is he going off of here?

And if he does not find my profile pictures attractive, then he is really not going to be into me when I'm eating peanut butter cups on the couch at 2am, with no make-up and in the same shirt I've worn for three days.

I was informed "yeah you thought wrong" and "of course" a guy wants a rejection message. Something something only girls with low self esteem don't confront a guy and give him closure. 

Wow, my bad. I guess I shouldn't have anticipated any sort of kind or helpful response from someone whose profile calls everyone in his city "fat" and says "im becoming more and more convinced that there isnt a woman in the area that's good enough for me." 

But then... and now is my moment to really truly brag:

I was checking out the profile for a decent-looking guy, when I noticed something... something amazing. 

A picture of himself and Gerard Butler. Looking buddy-buddy. Arms around, smiles on. 

My stalking commenced. 

Let me just list off the awesomeness that is this dude.

1) He has worked on multiple film sets, including doing stunt work and working as Gerard Butler's body double.

2) He has competed on multiple Ninja Warriors. In fact, we have to push our coffee date to next week because this weekend he will be in Baltimore for another one. 

3) He substitute teaches for mentally and physically handicapped kids.

4) He spells correctly, and has not yet asked me to participate in anything that would require me to be naked. Gentleman! 

5) He cooks.

This is literally the kind of guy girls make up for family events in an effort to prove they're not a lesbian. He probably spends his free time volunteering at a homeless shelter and advocating for abused puppies. I'll bet he rides horses on the beach. 

My one concern going into this is that he sounds very active... and while I like to take a leisurely stroll now and then, and once in a while alternate a few minutes on the thighmaster with eating cupcakes, I'm a pretty mellow person. I love to go out, but I need a good two-to-three weeks to recover afterwards. I love being outside all day but where will I nap?

Either way, I totally get to brag about this to everyone ever. If it doesn't work out I'll just grab his ass on the goodbye, so I can close my eyes and for once, finally, know how it feels to inappropriately grope Gerard Butler. 

In my many fantasies that have already sprouted from this, I work my way up... body double, to face double, to the Butler himself, and make an honest man of him. 

...And here's where I tie her down and... no, it's okay, she's my wife.

So all in all, I think I deserve this:

WELL DONE, ME!

I think this is purely a bragging rights date, to be honest, and rather a time-passer, but rest assured BRAG I SHALL. 

And then, smugly satisfied, the snow shall cease, and I can finally go on my real date with my Groomsman, because, and I don't mean to be cheesy, it's like my friend says:

"If you look THAT happy in a picture when talking to someone, then there is something there."

The dating future is bright, y'all. 

Yeeeeah.

So The Texter never made it to a second date. I feel like I saw this coming, but I was sort of enjoying the attention for once, for a brief, darling period. Then I realized it was too much attention. Holy crap.

Here's the deal: he is a really sweet guy, and damn but if he isn't the cutest stinkin' thing. Maybe, though, a little too sweet. A lot too sweet? Too much, just... too much.

True story.

If you have any sense of self worth, you're probably recognizing the flaws of that statement. Indeed, I am literally beginning to question if there is something deeply skewed in my idea of romance at this point. I'm pretty sure I get a bigger thrill from cancelling a date than going on one because if I put on my good make-up and the date doesn't go well, I legitimately feel cheated because that shit ain't cheap.

Even my best friend was on this guy's side. He just likes me. A lot. That's something to pity, not fear.

Okay, but...

The day after our date, he bought me a stuffed animal. Not like he won it at a fair in my honor, but still. I tried to tell myself it was a cute gesture, but you know what I really don't need at this point in my life? Stuffed animals. I have like 60 real ones shedding on my bed and pooping right as I'm about to eat. What I really need is someone to take animals from me.

Then there was the texting. So, so much texting. Again, I reminded myself that, while in a long-distance relationship, texting was extremely important to me. If he wasn't texting me, I assumed that he was probably flirting with someone thinner and prettier and with lower moral standards (Side note: I have since been reassured by others suffering through long-distance relationships that this is, unfortunately, normal behavior). So shouldn't I be grateful that this man was making a serious effort to keep in touch with me at all moments of the day including when he knows I am asleep?

Okay, but Texter lives like... 30 minutes away, tops. I don't really know him so I don't really care what he's doing.... but isn't he at work? What the hell -- 7 missed alerts? And that funny picture is sort of racist.

I was going to respond but I took a nap instead.

Additionally, he wanted to plan a second date as soon as possible... Okay, not a bad thing. He liked me a lot and he wants to spend time with me.The issue came when I wouldn't commit to scheduling a third date as well. No, I am not planning my week around seeing you as much as possible. We hung out once.

I hedged my way out of that one without having to blatantly tell him it was more of my time than I was willing to give to someone I barely know. He did, after all, remind me a few times he has been off the dating scene for a while, and was rusty. He would gently remind me of this when I started to seem irritated, which was kind of a lot, and I would take a deep breath and remember that I am kind of a nutcase and should be sympathetic to other awkward daters.

But the next incident pushed me over the edge.

Since I was sick and couldn't hang out, he asked me to help him decide what to do on his day off.

I'm not sure why this annoyed me so much. I guess I feel like people who are pushing thirty should be able to make their own decisions about what to do with their free time. Again--I don't know you. I don't know what you like to do, and honestly, if I'm not involved, I couldn't give a rat's ass. If a decision in any way involves my happiness, please just assume that I will make it. Lay the options before me and accept that we'll be doing whatever it is that suits me best and that it probably involves cocktails... but if I'm not participating, I could not possibly care less how you're spending your day. Now leave me alone so I can watch this Psych marathon.

But he couldn't just let that go. He was insistent that, as a writer, as an adventurer, and as a woman and thus by nature opinionated, I should be jumping to make choices for him. Strange that now I'm taking the damn reins, whereas previously, I was "needy" and cute like a little animal for being sick.

I can be your mommy or your kid, dude, I can't be both... and also that's disgusting and I don't want to be either.

Somewhere along the lines he threw in a Princess Bride "As you wish," which maybe I am taking way too literally as a Princess Bride fan but did you just tell me that you love me?

Oh. Um... 

So, I told Texter that I think we are looking for different things in a partner. I was informed, very quickly, that I had misinterpreted his intentions, and he was just looking for a friend.

I've gotten this one before. It seems to be a knee-jerk reaction to rejection. I once had a man try to give me a fifteen minute talk on why, when he asked to buy me a drink at the bar and I told him I wasn't interested, I should be open to accepting friendship from strangers and less inclined to assume a man asking to buy me a drink at a bar is a romantic (sexual) overture... and did I have some animosity issues toward men?

Strangers.

Really? Just friends. Then why don't you go and buy that dude over there a drink? Let's just say frankly that your odds of going home with him are way more promising.

Maybe I'm speaking for myself here but do women do that?

If I hit on you and you reject me, I'm not going to pretend I wasn't hitting on you while mentally naming our future children. I'm just going to call you a dick and resent you. No big deal.

How about in a month or two? I can wait. 

Oh, and tell the story to my closest friends who will also act shocked at your horrible dickish behavior and offer me possibly reasoning for his decision.

Such as: He wants to love me... but it scares him how much better that him I am!
My beauty is really intimidating.
No, the girl with him in that picture is in no way more attractive than me; he is just covering his regret. Also she's a whore.

Yes, thank you, I would like more wine while you come up with more totally true statements.

So after that, I guess I'll probably Facebook stalk for a week waiting for any sign of a change of heart, and finally when that fails, I'll just resume my desperate love for celebrities who can never hurt or disappoint me and thus make the ideal crush. Like you're so great. If I'm a bird he will be a fucking bird too.

And isn't that the mature way to handle things?

So, anyway. The good news is that I deal with romantical disappointment by becoming immediately more thrilled that I am single and completely independent.

I go for a run. I admire myself in the mirror and applaud myself for being a strong, intelligent woman who knows her own mind. I have a glass (bottle) of wine and consider texting men I know do NOT want to hear from me. I cry over a few Jane Austen movies. I remind myself that the best revenge is living well-- as in, being more successful than the people you hate so you can rub it into their stupid faces. I dwell on that one guy I met in Indianapolis I was convinced was my soul mate and will never see again (Because I stalked him and he found out).

Whoops.

Thus, I return to the loving fleece-lined embrace of my sweatpants, and life is good again.

The bow tie makes this class out the ass.